Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house