*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
we’re gonna need another temp
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
cry laughing at this shit
Dune (2021)
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
fair
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”