her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
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Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.