As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
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[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Cheers Twitter.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television