License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help