Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
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I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.