My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Just this preview of the story is enough
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.