April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.