Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
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I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)