I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Why am I like this?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.