I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
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This week’s mood.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”