You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Respect
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.