I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Battery falling down a hole
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???