DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.