I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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crying
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”