10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”