Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
That’s easy for you to say
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.