Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”