{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.