I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs