I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
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Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.