This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
#Caturday
Just me?
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner