Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
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[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Good boy 😂😂
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.