As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny