“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.