Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The options really are this bad
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.