wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
So sick of all these stupid rules
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Best mom ever 😂
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*