[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.