If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
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Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.