Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
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Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
[touring beyonce鈥檚 house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won鈥檛 be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
no one:
my 5yo: you can鈥檛 be mad without eyebrows
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
inventor of murder: I鈥檓 going to make a killing
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with 鈥淲elcome back everyone”?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I鈥檓 not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
馃檯馃徎
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Me: [touches wife鈥檚 arm] 鈿★笍ZAP鈿★笍
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it鈥檚 ok. it鈥檚 not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?