If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.