pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Beware of fowl play.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Watson was Holmes schooled
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.