[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
You Might Also Like
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Some people were born into their job.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
nice challenge
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song