[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
You Might Also Like
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes