age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
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They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Get off my horse you stupid moon