[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
For the orator and chef in all of us
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin