Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.