My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
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Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?