*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Breaking news:
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!