Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
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My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday