Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
thanks auntie mary
Very good! 👍😂
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet