I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ok but actually
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
This is sending me to another galaxy
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Knock Knock