When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.