Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
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Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I laughed at this way too hard.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
me after drinking all the wine: