It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?