I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
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6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.