[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
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I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
he’s sick of your bullshit today
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Seems legit
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.