I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know