The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
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1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
These 3D printers are insane!
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”