[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I was bored.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.